Airline Announcements?

United Flight Attendant announced, ‘People, people we’re not picking   out furniture here, find a seat and get in it!

On landing, the stewardess said, ‘Please be sure to take all of your belongings.   If you’re going to leave anything, please make sure it’s something we’d like   to have. ‘

‘There may be 50 ways   to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of this airplane.’
An airline pilot wrote   that on this particular flight he had hammered his ship into the runway   really hard. The airline had a policy which required the first officer to   stand at the door while the passengers exited, smile, and give them a ‘Thanks   for flying our airline.’ He said that, in light of his bad landing, he had a   hard time looking the passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have   a smart comment. Finally everyone had gotten off except for a little old lady   walking with a cane.
She said, ‘Sir, do you   mind if I ask you a question?’

‘Why, no, Ma’am,’ said   the pilot. ‘What is it?’

The little old lady   said, ‘Did we land, or were we shot down?’
As the plane landed   and was coming to a stop at Ronald Reagan, a lone voice came over the   loudspeaker: ‘Whoa, big fella, WHOA!’
After a particularly   rough landing during thunderstorms in Memphis, a flight attendant on a   Northwest flight announced, ‘Please take care when opening the overhead   compartments because sure as hell everything has shifted after a landing like   that.’

Another flight   attendant’s comment on a less than perfect landing: ‘We ask you to please   remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal.’

Overheard on an   American Airlines flight into Amarillo , Texas on a particularly windy and   bumpy day: During the final approach, the Captain was really having to fight   it. After an extremely hard landing, the Flight Attendant said, ‘Ladies and   Gentlemen, welcome to Amarillo . Please remain in your seats with your seat   belts fastened while the Captain taxis what’s left of our airplane to the   gate!’

‘Your seat cushions   can be used for flotation; and, in the event of an emergency water landing,   please paddle to shore and take them with our compliments.’

‘As you exit the   plane, make sure to gather all of your belongings. Anything left behind will   be distributed evenly among the flight attendants. Please do not leave   children or spouses……except for that gentleman over there.’

Heard on Southwest Airlines   just after a very hard landing in Salt Lake City . The flight attendant came   on the intercom and said, ‘That was quite a bump, and I know what y’all are   thinking. I’m here to tell you it wasn’t the airline’s fault, it wasn’t the   pilot’s fault, it wasn’t the flight attendant’s fault, it was the asphalt.’

After a real crusher   of a landing in Phoenix , the attendant came on with, ‘Ladies and Gentlemen,   please remain in your seats until Capt. Crash and the Crew have brought the   aircraft to a screeching halt against the gate. And, once the tire smoke has   cleared and the warning bells are silenced, we’ll open the door and you can   pick your way through the wreckage to the terminal.’

Part of a flight   attendant’s arrival announcement: ‘We’d like to thank you folks for flying   with us today. And, the next time you get the insane urge to go blasting   through the skies in a pressurized metal tube, we hope you’ll think of US   Airways.’
Heard on a Southwest   Airline flight – ‘Ladies and gentlemen, if you wish to smoke, the smoking   section on this airplane is on the wing and if you can light ’em, you can   smoke ’em.’


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